Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
