my phone needs a breathalizer
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
