i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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