a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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