he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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