We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
