my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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