You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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