He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
