I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
