I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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