Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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