The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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