he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
