Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
