He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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