How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
