I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize