i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
