I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
