I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
