I want to walk on stilts...naked
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
