Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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