Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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