You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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