no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
