I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
