peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
