You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
