I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
