I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
