you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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