forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
