OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
