I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
