tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
