I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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