my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
