im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
