We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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