Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
