I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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