as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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