My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
