it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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