He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
