I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Never underestimate the power of titties
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
