my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
love makes seman taste better
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
its liver damage thursday
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
