If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
whose ass print is on the piano?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
