I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
