Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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