You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
