I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
