Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize