You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
