apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
