i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
