i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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