just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
