I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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