My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
