So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
